By Stella Hufhines

The moment Ethan Coombs realized he was struggling with a mental illness, he was immersed in the pages of his old writing journal. “I am undoubtedly depressed,” read the title line of one entry, dated Sept. 27, 2022. Coombs practices writing down his moods and feelings each day for future moments of reflection. As he returned to his journals two years later, Coombs recalled the stark differences between his entries. In September’s entries, Coombs wrote of his dark moods, fatigue or lack of focus, while in May, his entries were full of gratefulness, positivity and happiness.

At the time of the September entries, Coombs was unable to wrap his mind around these mysterious feelings. But as he stumbled upon this entry in January 2024, his perpetual sadness made total sense to him. Now, Coombs knows exactly what was infecting his mind two years ago. He was diagnosed with Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) in 2023, a malady that has affected nearly every aspect of his life. Coombs has linked the plummet of his grades, lack of energy and tendency to self-isolate to the disorder.

SAD is a subtype of depression that is linked to the change in seasons. Although SAD can appear at any time of the year, it is extremely common in the winter due to the decreased amount of sunlight. How it differs from its associated diagnosis, depression, is that someone with SAD is only affected for three to four months out of the year, while depression is more long-term. 

Typical symptoms of SAD include a disinterest in activities that were once enjoyed, change in appetite, decline in physical activity, sporadic sleep as well as difficulty staying focused and making decisions. These symptoms can evolve into serious mental and physical handicaps for those who are affected. SAD affects a large percentage of the population — up to 5% of all U.S. adults and an estimated 1 million children in North America.

January has been one of the leading months in suicide rates, claiming the lives of over 8,300 individuals in the last two years. Although not all of these suicides are attributed to SAD, there is evidence to show that SAD is extremely common in those who are already diagnosed with a pre-existing mental illness, specifically depression or bipolar disorder.

Despite its pervasive nature in the U.S. population, SAD is often downplayed as a trivial mental illness because it is confused with the winter blues, which most perceive as innocuous. However, the symptoms of SAD are anything but superficial. This preconception that SAD is harmless, along with the global stigma against mental health issues, makes those who endure the disorder often feel unseen and trapped in the shadows of silent suffering.

Ryan Freeman-Burchfield, founder of the Freeman-Burchfield Institute for Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and the only Beck Institute Certified Clinician in Arkansas, explained the mental health stigma “exists inside of us and our society.” Freeman-Burchfield said she believes this stigma creates shame associated with mental illness and can be detrimental to those who suffer.

“The consequence of minimizing SAD (or any mental health symptom) is that people will not seek the support they need and it is possible that their symptoms could worsen leading to suicidal thoughts and feelings,” Freeman-Burchfield said.

Coombs, a 23-year-old native of Northwest Arkansas, has grappled with this seasonal struggle for the past four years, but his symptoms appeared to be much worse than the average person. Unable to get any sleep at night, loss of motivation to see friends and the overall miserable veil smothering his mind, make the winter months insufferable for Coombs. When victims of SAD make it out of the trenches of winter, they are usually met with a newfound optimism in the spring, as their days become filled with sunlight and warmer weather. As February ushers in the promise of a sunlit salvation, Coombs said he feels a surge of hope. “In the spring when (my depression) starts to go away, I feel like I’m invincible,” Coombs said. “But It never goes according to plan.”

Spring and summer become his sanctuary, a time for passion projects, academic engagement and the erasure of the previous winter months. The euphoria, however, is short-lived, crashing down as autumn signals the return of his SAD.

The winter of 2021 was an especially troubling season for Coombs, but he did not attribute a specific factor to the intensity of his SAD. Instead, Coombs believes it was just a particularly bad episode “in combination with a lot of responsibilities I couldn’t delegate,” he said. Despite that specifically harsh winter, Coombs claimed when spring arrived, he quickly bounced back. “(The change) was so dramatic that I didn’t even feel like fall was that big of a deal because of how good I felt in the spring — until the next fall came,” Coombs said.

When Coombs’ symptoms began to creep back in autumn, all of his projects and excursions he had planned during the sunshine-filled summer came to a halt. As a psychology and music major at the University of Arkansas, deeply passionate about his studies, Coombs grapples with the impact of his mental health on academic pursuits. He said one glance comparing his fall and spring transcripts could provide a depressive diagnosis on its own. In the spring, Coombs consistently remains a straight-A student, but in the fall, no matter how many hours he is taking, his grades seem to plummet. During the fall semester, Coombs finds himself dropping classes he once eagerly anticipated, paralyzed by the lack of motivation and energy that his disorder brings.

According to his mother, Tina Matsubara, Coombs “was a quiet contemplator, who overthought everything” as a child. Growing up in Northwest Arkansas, Coombs’ life seemed pretty standard. Not showing any previous signs of mental distress, his parents were surprised as to why he started having relentless panic attacks around the age of 7. Coombs, who experienced these intense fight-or-flight responses, now questions the origins of these sporadic panic episodes. Although he said there is no definitive origin, Coombs wonders if the attacks coincided with frequently being left to his own devices as a child. 

With a father who frequently worked late hours and a mother who also worked as a teacher and ran errands often, there was a consistency of being left alone with his brother for long periods. 

Other than the summer months when his mother was not working, he recalled unusual moments when she was home for extended lengths of time. Although Coombs assumed she was sick, having taken off work, he now believes these moments were likely due to depressive spells.

Even though Coombs said he has always enjoyed being alone, these absences seemed to deeply distress him.

Growing up, Coombs’ older brother was diagnosed with depression at the early age of 8. Meanwhile, Coombs seemed to embody normalcy.

That’s why, when Coombs told his father of his diagnosis of depression at 20 years old, his dad was taken aback, almost as much as Coombs, himself, was. Coombs said he suspected both reactions were because he had gone so long without showing any symptoms. 

 “It seemed that, like with my brother, if (depression) was going to emerge, it would have probably happened earlier,” Coombs said. 

Freeman-Burchfield views SAD as a prevalent mental disorder, especially when it already runs in the family. She said genetics play a large role in determining mental illness and emphasized how common it is for children to inherit such disorders from parents who grapple with identical challenges. Additionally, Freeman-Burchfield suggests that there might be a natural, instinctive element to SAD that contributes to its widespread appearance. “I think in the winter we are supposed to slow down generally,” Freeman-Burchfield said. “We’re humans, we are a type of animal in a way.” Although 5% of the U.S. adult population experiences SAD, Freeman-Burchfield believes that, in reality, far more are likely to experience it.

Calvin Ryerse, a 22-year-old living in New York City, has been struggling with symptoms of SAD for eight years, which is another testament to familial mental illness, as both his mother and grandmother share the disorder. This family history, along with his symptoms, suggests the presence of SAD, although Ryerse is undiagnosed. For Ryerse, his seasonal depression mostly manifests through a lack of energy and motivation. “It feels like moving through molasses,” Ryerse said, “which is a challenging way to spend five months out of the year.” Trudging through the thick mental fog of winter, Ryerse finds himself operating at a snail’s pace in his day-to-day life. For Ryerse, the winter of 2023 held a notoriously bad winter for him, as he was fired from his job in November, graduated in December and ended a relationship in February, all while dealing with his usual seasonal struggle.

Ryerse, who is a filmmaker, found that his most bearable winter was when he was working on his senior thesis film. Having a long-term creative project helped Ryerse get through the insufferable winter months.

“The best way to deal with it is to give myself a project to work on,” Ryerse said. “Having something to look forward to kind of cuts through that intense, cold heaviness.”

Another way in which Ryerse fights the symptoms of SAD is by being outside as often as possible — going on long walks and bike rides despite the cold.

Ryerse said he has not considered getting an official diagnosis because he was “feeling unsure about the process,” and is content with being undiagnosed. “There’s something easier living in the uncertainty of it — confronting the truth or the non-truth,” Ryerse said.

Freeman-Burchfield, who has been helping those with SAD since 2007, has many suggestions for treatment options; however, one of her top prescriptions for those with the disorder is time outdoors.

“I believe in nature,” she said.

Freeman-Burchfield has had her own mental struggles throughout her life and occasionally battles mild SAD. After recently undergoing wrist surgery, which left her feeling limited and partially immobilized, she fell back on one of her most suggested forms of healing: going on a hike. Despite the dead trees that look like skeletal sentinels, Freeman-Burchfield listened to the sound of flowing water from a nearby stream and the chirps of birds — a symphony of delicate flutes. 

She strongly believes that getting outside, regardless of the nasty weather, can do wonders for those struggling with SAD. There are many forms of treatment for SAD, ranging from Ryerse’s focus on creative projects to Freeman-Burchfield’s suggestion to get outside, or different kinds of medication. Other common treatments include light therapy, exercise and different methods of talk therapy, however, no single form of treatment works for everyone. 

Summer Rainn, who has been diagnosed with SAD since 2020, has been consistently disappointed in her attempts at finding solace through different treatments.

Rainn’s SAD symptoms greatly hinder her day-to-day life, she said. Shutting herself away from the outside world and friends, her self-isolation becomes a tortuous experience. It is difficult to maintain consistent habits with SAD, so Rainn’s routine tends to fluctuate. Being that her symptoms are so severe, Rainn has sought out many forms of treatment. Medication was her first venture, but it proved to make her condition even worse. “The times I was on medication, it turned me into a zombie, barely functioning as a human,” Rainn said. After her hopeless excursions in the world of pharmaceuticals, Rainn became interested in a more recent and debated form of medicine.

Things began to look up for Rainn when she received her medical marijuana card, which made her symptoms far less intrusive to her daily life. Many recent studies address the correlation between mental illness and marijuana, especially concerning depression. While there are mixed opinions on whether it improves or worsens the condition, there are many personal testimonies that claim the drug is integral to getting those with depression through the day. Outside of marijuana, listening to music seems to be the only other efficient way Rainn can cope with her symptoms.

Similar to Rainn, Coombs has tried almost every treatment option available in the hopes of easing his despair. Before resorting to medication, Coombs attempted to eliminate any environmental factors that could have been feeding his disorder. He endured months of dieting, blood tests, hormone evaluations, light therapy, exercise and a regimented sleep schedule, all to find that nothing truly stabilized his suffering. Medication is the only treatment that seems to lighten the effects of SAD for Coombs — much to his dismay. Coombs has never considered medication a long-term solution and instead views it as a risky last resort due to its possible impacts on the brain. Despite his hesitation toward pharmaceuticals, Coombs has high hopes for the future of healthcare and continues to abide by his same routine of medication, exercise and time outside.

It is common for people with forms of depression to have a hard time envisioning their future. However, Freeman-Burchfield suggests that those who have been diagnosed with SAD and have experienced their depressive cycle find it easier to look to the future.  For someone experiencing symptoms of SAD for the first time, the unexplained nature of their emotions can be perplexing. Deciphering and discovering new feelings can be extremely difficult, especially in a world where mental health is frequently stigmatized.

Freeman-Burchfield said the reverse can also be true for those with SAD, where one feels a sense of dread as winter approaches. Although those who are diagnosed are aware that their struggle is seasonal, it can create a sense of apprehension when it comes to facing the colder months. They know that darker times are ahead, but there is nothing they can do to stop their symptoms from reappearing.

During a surprisingly warm February this year, Coombs said he was springing out of his seasonal slump and seemed unexpectedly optimistic when considering the future state of his disorder. As an undergrad psychology major, Coombs recognizes that, with graduate school ahead, he is going to stay busy for the following years. When he envisions his later career, Coombs does not see SAD in the picture and is fairly optimistic that his current treatments will continue to carry him through the winters. Trying to focus more on the present, Coombs has adopted the idea that “everything will work out eventually.”

“I’m probably not the typical depressed person thinking about their future because I’m very optimistic about this kind of stuff,” Coombs said. 

But this is not always good, he said. Coombs attributed his overly optimistic mindset to his newfound enjoyment of day-to-day life, now that his depressive season was coming to an end.   

Freeman-Burchfield said she believes mental health’s severity is often minimized and that there has been a historical stigma surrounding the topic. She mentioned that a transformative moment in reshaping conversations around mental health emerged with the onset of the COVID-19 pandemic. Being locked indoors and estranged from the outside world, COVID-19 brought a 25% increase in the global appearance of anxiety and depression according to the World Health Organization. While acknowledging the grim toll the pandemic took on mental well-being, Freeman-Burchfield highlighted a silver lining in the crisis — “it normalized mental health for a lot of people.” 

Even in the wake of increased awareness and discourse surrounding mental health, Freeman-Burchfield highlights a persistent challenge in the way individuals approach their own well-being. “We maximize other people’s problems, but we often minimize our own,” she said. She encourages individuals to become active participants in understanding their emotional landscape, urging them to contemplate pursuing potential diagnoses, particularly in the case of SAD. “You are the expert on you,” Freeman-Burchfield said. “What you go through, what you experience — you are the expert.” 

The societal norm to minimize personal feelings played a significant role in Coombs’ early diagnosis of depression. Even though Coombs had been struggling with symptoms of SAD for years before it was confirmed, he had programmed himself to blame times of emotional turmoil and sadness on factors other than his mental health. By blaming his feelings on these justifications, Coombs had never considered the possibility that he could be dealing with something more serious, which is why his diagnosis of depression hit him particularly hard. 

Although the overwhelmingly large number of individuals suffering from SAD could be considered a crisis in itself, Freeman-Burchfield said she believes the bigger issue lies in the stigma against mental health. “People don’t know where to start, how to talk about it, or where to go,” she said. At heart, she thinks that by sharing mental struggles with others, people can connect with and inspire those who are suffering to recognize their own mental hardships. If this pattern repeats, the global mental health stigma might slowly begin to dissolve, Freeman-Burchfield said. 

By confronting the bigger issue, individuals may begin to find peace in a more accepting atmosphere. Although Coombs can envision a bright future ahead, others may navigate the darkness by focusing on the day-to-day. 

In the uncertain landscape of her future, Rainn said she finds herself navigating the present with a mix of determination and curiosity. All that she can currently do is keep using the treatments that get her through each day. 

Concerning Ryerse’s future, instead of trying to fight his SAD, he has learned to accept and embrace the disorder. Ryerse said to avoid dreading the next November when his symptoms usually kick in, he finds ways to utilize his SAD. Ryerse views the winter as an opportunity to slow down, a season for intentional rest and introspection. Although the colder months can be tough for Ryerse’s mental health, he finds solace in the knowledge that spring will inevitably come, ushering in a wave of renewal and dispelling the shadows of his depressive mood. 

Although no two victims of SAD will walk the same path, many may find comfort in an open conversation. By sharing personal stories and connecting with others affected, the individual experience becomes that of the group. In this transparent environment, those with SAD are learning to manage the seasonal cycle instead of trying to break it. 

The post A Change in Season: Navigating and Managing SAD appeared first on Hill Magazine.

By Dustin Staggs

Picture this: you’re sitting in your favorite study area, bed, couch, or cozy corner doing school work. What do you do now that you’ve completed your final task for the day?

If you’re anything like me, you go for your trusty phone and begin swiping away. Perhaps it’s nighttime, and you know you should get some beauty sleep, but instead you’re scrolling away the hours, filling up that bottomless pit of stimulated satisfaction, and losing track of time until, whoops, it’s 2 a.m.!

So, what is the name of this devilishly enticing digital dance? According to the Cambridge Dictionary, “doomscrolling” is the activity of spending a lot of time looking at your phone or computer and reading negative news stories. Whether we realize we are doing it or not, doomscrolling is an easy situation to find ourselves in with our constant connection to content and the endless feed of social media at our fingertips.

Anyone can spend too much time getting lost in the rabbit hole of negative online news and social media. Men are slightly more likely than women to doomscroll, according to WebMD. The study also states that younger adults are more likely than older adults to do it, and people who closely follow or participate in politics are more likely to doomscroll.

Additionally, doomscrolling causes harm to mental health in a variety of ways. According to UNC Health, doomscrolling contributes to anxiety and depression by reinforcing unpleasant ideas and sentiments. It has the potential to exacerbate pre-existing mental illnesses, like anxiety or depression, as well as increase fear and concern. Furthermore, it can make us agitated, inattentive, and mentally exhausted, resulting in the productivity of a sloth on a sunny day. According to UNC Health, the more time we spend doomscrolling, the more likely we are to have sleep problems, stress-related health issues, and low self-esteem.

Given the possible emotional and psychological consequences of doomscrolling, it is critical to be aware of how much time we spend doing it in order to make efforts to reduce its influence on our mental health.

But wait, there’s still hope! You have the ability to break out of this vicious cycle. The following is how I tamed the scrolling beast: I replaced the scrolling to flipping the pages of a nice old-fashioned book. Since the beginning of the summer, any moment I had the slightest amount of free time and felt like getting on my phone, I instead picked up whatever book I was reading at the time and immersed myself in that. It’s the equivalent of swapping fast food for a five-star supper. While reading may take a little more focus and effort than watching funny cat videos on TikTok, it is way more rewarding.

Therefore, reading is an excellent way to address many of the issues that social media brings, making it a perfect substitute for anyone willing to try it. There are millions of books available for individuals to enjoy, and with the assistance of your local public library, you may choose any book to read for free.

Not only does reading improve your critical thinking and creativity, it also helps increase your vocabulary, knowledge and imagination, according to Nuvance Health.

Nuvance Health also states that being entertained offers physiological advantages, such as generating endorphins in the brain; it is more beneficial when the content we are absorbing isn’t short 30-second videos but instead working out the muscles in our brain by reading. 

Now, some of you may have fallen out of love with books after being pushed to have reading goals in grade school, but books are pure entertainment at their finest. Books have the ability to make you laugh, weep, and keep you on the edge of your seat. It’s like a mental exercise, producing feel-good hormones that can help you relax, manage discomfort and let go of stress.

Immersing oneself in the enticing world of books can perform wonders for stress alleviation. It’s like a spa day for your brain, slowing your heart rate and relaxing those tense muscles. Reading allows you to focus on a tale rather than the turmoil of life, allowing you to compartmentalize, giving way to mental clarity and helping to prevent emotional burnout—which is a skill we all need in this fast-paced world. So, the next time you’re tempted to doomscroll, instead go for a book. It’s a worthwhile quest that might save your mental health.

The post Ditch Doomscrolling, Choose Reading appeared first on Hill Magazine.

By Katherine Taylor

Emma Ferguson’s spot on the worn green couch might as well have been spring-loaded. In the midst of a passionate monologue that included topics like the essentials of rabbit care, Lizzo being a “bad bitch,” voting patterns of suburban white women, and the best method for making a beaded lampshade, she popped up and walked into the kitchen several times, simply to open and close the fridge without taking anything out.

This is a regular occurrence with Ferguson, 21. Catch her in a conversation that excites her and just watch; chances are she’ll leap from her seat, subconsciously driven to her feet by sheer passion, then realize she didn’t actually have any reason to stand up so now she has to create one: move a charger from one outlet to another, fill a cup that wasn’t empty, check the fridge, pet the cat.

Being restless and talkative are commonly-known traits associated with ADHD, parts of Ferguson’s personality I’ve become very familiar with as her roommate. These are the things that anyone who meets her sees right away. 

But these are only a few strands of the tangled web ADHD has woven around Ferguson’s life. When she has access to Adderall, her symptoms are manageable; when she’s unmedicated, they become overwhelming.

The Food and Drug Administration (FDA) announced a shortage of amphetamine and dextroamphetamine salts (the generic name for Adderall) in October 2022, with little explanation as to why. Almost a year later, it has yet to be resolved, an abundance of red tape blocking the path to any potential solutions. The shortage has created a myriad of both psychological and logistical problems for people across the country who rely on the medication in their daily lives. 

For Ferguson, the “fun” side of her ADHD takes a backseat when she can’t get her prescription filled. She forgets things: where she put her car keys, meetings, homework assignments, commitments she’s made. Focus becomes elusive. Things get disorganized, jumbled up and confused, a frustrating barrier to success for a high-achieving student. True irritation creeps in and spills out as she fights the feeling that she isn’t in complete control of herself anymore. 

Having her medication doesn’t just make it easier for Ferguson to focus. It makes it possible for her to function.

“When I don’t have my Adderall, it’s 75/25 if I brush my teeth and put on deodorant,” Ferguson said. “I have a hard time doing routine tasks. My impulse control goes out the window, so I drink a lot more and I binge eat. I don’t show up for obligations that I normally would never miss.”

Despite the enormous impact of the shortage, to those affected, it seems like very little is being done to find a solution. A potential explanation is that Adderall is a highly controlled substance. It’s classified as a Schedule II drug by the Drug Enforcement Administration (DEA), meaning it has a “high potential for abuse, with use potentially leading to severe psychological or physical dependence.” This is the same designation awarded to drugs like hydrocodone, fentanyl, and opium. 

Despite the addiction risks, Adderall prescriptions are not rare. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), prescription fills amongst people aged 25-44 increased by roughly 10% from 2020 to 2021. From 2006 to 2016, amphetamine use (including Adderall and drugs like it) more than doubled. Data collected by Trilliant Health shows that Adderall prescriptions for people aged 22-44 is outpacing actual ADHD diagnoses amongst the same group. 

Because millions of people are prescribed the drug, strict regulations are set to curb attempts to sell or use it illegally. This is a fair concern; while estimates vary, data collected by the National Institutes of Health showed that roughly 1 in 10 college students used Adderall without a prescription in 2019. An Ohio State study from the previous year had that number at almost 16%. As a “study drug,” many students turn to it during exam season, hoping to increase focus, stay awake longer, and improve performance on tests.

But for Ferguson and others like her—people who are prescribed Adderall for intense and sometimes debilitating symptoms—there is little comfort to be found in the idea that someone else might not be able to get it. She just wants her meds. 

“I don’t love taking Adderall,” she said. “It makes me kind of irritable. But without it, I feel like a little kid because the people around me have to corral me. When I got to college freshman year, I went to my doctor hysterically crying because I thought I’d gotten stupid, when I really just needed a prescription. I can’t do things at the capacity I’m capable of without it.” 

For those who are seeking an explanation for the shortage, there isn’t much out there. The drug industry higher-ups—manufacturers, distributors, the FDA, the DEA—are providing very few satisfactory answers about what is causing this problem or when it will end. Some politicians and legislative committees have called for answers, but the pharmaceutical supply chain does not seem to have much to say. It seems that Big Pharma and all its subsidiaries are shrugging a collective shoulder on this issue. 

According to the American Society of Health System Pharmacists, seven of 11 listed manufacturers have provided no explanation for the shortage, or refused to disclose how much of the drug they have available. Of the four remaining on that list, two have discontinued the product, and two are prioritizing existing customers.

Right now, many with ADHD are simply trying to ride the shortage out, doing their best to navigate a myriad of bureaucratic and logistical issues to get their medication. Through a combination of phone calls, pharmacy cooperation, psychiatrist assistance, and sheer luck, some people have found a path to getting their prescription filled. 

Callie Barnett, 22, is a student at the University of Arkansas studying abroad in Rome last spring. For her, going abroad has made it easier to take her medication consistently. She was able to request a full four months’ supply before she left, though it wasn’t easy to acquire.

“Before January, I was already having trouble getting my normal prescription, but for four months[’ worth] I had to travel five hours away to my hometown to get enough,” Barnett said in an email from Rome. “I have friends who didn’t have that luxury.”

Were Barnett without her medication, though, things could get dark quickly. As part of her diagnosis, she deals with racing thoughts, inability to focus, and suicidal ideation. 

“When I don’t have my meds it is almost impossible to get out of bed,” she said. “My thoughts race and all I can think about is everything I need to be doing, but it feels like I can’t. It sends me into a depressive spiral that makes it extremely difficult for me to get up and join the world.”

Dealing with such serious symptoms means that people who are left without their medication are forced to try and solve the problem on their own. Ferguson, who is prescribed the generic versions of both extended release and instant release Adderall, is supposed to get a month’s worth of both every time her prescription is filled. Recently, though, that hasn’t been the case—especially for the extended release, which she relies on the most. 

“Twice now it’s been 20,” she said. “One time I got ten of each type. I’m on this fucked schedule where I don’t have them at the same time. It’s been about six months that I haven’t gotten my two prescriptions on the same day.”

In order to carefully control the amount of Adderall and other Schedule II drugs on the market, the DEA sets specific quotas at the beginning of every year. Manufacturers are only allowed to produce based on those quotas. Thus, production is limited by estimates derived from data collected in previous years, rather than as a response to actual demand. Producers can’t simply make more to match prescription needs—and individual recipients are saddled with the consequences. 

“When they run out of Adderall, it’s all on me to call my doctor and have her call in more,” Ferguson said. “And I have to call the pharmacy to see if they have it so she can send the script over. I can only have three pharmacies on file, so if none of them have it, I just can’t get my meds. Plus I have to wait until I’ve run out of whatever they gave me initially before I can get the rest of the month filled. You expect me to do all that without my Adderall?”

Because of the strict regulations on the drug, any potential solutions that could be executed lower down the food chain are out of the question. Pharmacists can’t substitute similar drugs; insurance companies have their own rules about what they cover. Once, a pharmacy had Adderall on hand, but Ferguson is only insured for the generic version, not the name brand. She would have to pay $300 if she wanted it.

“That’s unacceptable,” Ferguson said. “I should not be paying the same amount for a medicine I’m prescribed as I would to get it on the black market.” 

Without consistent access to her medication, Ferguson and others like her have had to learn to cope. Because the extended release pills have been harder for her to get, she has been relying on taking multiple instant releases in a day. When she runs out of her measly ration of those, she asks friends who have a prescription to loan her some until she can get hers filled and repay them. More often than not, though, she simply goes without. And the inconsistency has serious side effects.

“When I stop taking my meds suddenly, I can’t even get to class,” Ferguson said. “It’s difficult to slow my mind down enough to focus on one thought, so things slip through the cracks.

“It’s hard to maintain relationships. Due dates become really impossible because my procrastination gets worse. It’s not that I’m intentionally being a shit student or coworker or whatever it is, I just don’t have the capacity to do things in a timely manner.”

No timeline. No answers. No solutions. No meds. The Adderall shortage is affecting people diagnosed with ADHD across the country, and there is little that individuals are able to do to solve the problem. Without the medication, performing the tasks necessary to get more becomes increasingly difficult, and daily life becomes a struggle.

The post No Adderall, No Answers: Drug shortage causes students to struggle appeared first on Hill Magazine.

As childhood hunger continues to impact Arkansas, many communities are working to end food insecurity, which affects 1 in 5 children in the state. 

Tucked away at the edge of Gulley Park lies a farm not only cultivating crops but providing meals and education to equip children with tools to live a healthier lifestyle. 

Apple Seeds NWA was founded in 2007 with the mission of introducing children to nutritious foods and inspiring them to make healthy choices. Volunteers soon discovered that many of the students they worked with did not have reliable access to fruits, vegetables, or other nutritious foods, as Arkansas is home to many food deserts.

Food deserts are areas that lack convenient options that provide affordable, healthy foods and  Northwest Arkansas is home to both urban and rural food deserts, many of which impact low-income communities the most.  

According to the Arkansas Hunger Relief Alliance, “A community is a food desert or low food access location if residents must travel more than one mile in an urban setting or more than 10 miles in a rural setting to obtain a selection of fresh, nutritious food.”

Jordan Lanning, Director of Development became involved with Apple Seeds NWA in 2022 after wanting to help end food insecurity in NWA and also give students a sense of control over the foods they eat. 

“I think as we get older we all forget what it’s like to be a kid,” said Lanning. “You spend 90 percent of your time being told what to do and how you need to do it. So this really gives kids the opportunity to take control of a portion of their life.” 

As director of development, Lanning works to raise funds for and awareness about the organization. She said she thinks it is important for kids to be given the opportunity to know where their food comes from and what they can do with it.

The teaching farm occupies two acres of Gulley Park, where crops grow year-round. During the winter months, root vegetables like parsnips line the greenhouse, and the farming side of the program shifts to the culinary side of things. During the fall and summer, harvests are in full swing and students are given a closer look at everything that goes into gardening. Programming is offered year-round and over 15,000 students have visited the farm in person or through the organization’s virtual programming. 

Programming includes allowing students to harvest, wash, prep, cook and eat vegetables, but to fully support the mission, Apple Seeds NWA also sends home those same ingredients and a recipe card. This allows students to recreate the meal with their families, and show off what they’ve learned. Recipes range from kale chips and sweet potato fries to zesty radish cream cheese or an apple beet crumble. 

Regardless of the recipe, fruits and vegetables are brought front and center, encouraging students to try new foods with their peers, and then later with their families. 

Though students may be apprehensive about trying a new vegetable, Programs Director Ryan Patterson said he tries to make sure they get to experience every aspect of gardening to ease some of the students’ worries. 

“They’ve had so many different touchpoints by the time they try it, they’re more familiar with it,” said Patterson. “So 98 percent of the students were willing to try the snack we made during their field trip.” 

Patterson has been with Apple Seeds NWA since 2020 and oversees all programming including those in schools and summer camps. He said he loves seeing students’ excitement when they learn about where their food comes from. 

“It’s like magic,” said Patterson. “Being able to have them see that process happen in such a short amount of time while they’re here and see them connect those dots about where their food is coming from is just so cool.” 

Patterson has helped provide the experience and education to over 60 schools, including through remote options offered to districts across the state. 

Apple Seeds NWA works with the Arkansas Hunger Relief Alliance and Arkansas Children’s Research Institute to develop the Growing My Plate Program. This program is a food nutrition program focused on connecting students with fresh foods and the skills needed to cook them. This curriculum has been implemented all over the state, as the USDA recently gave the nonprofit a grant to expand this program. 

The work Apple Seeds NWA does is felt consistently by the Northwest Arkansas community. In 2021, the organization donated almost 9,000 pounds of farm-fresh food to students and families in the community. 

Apple Seeds NWA donates food weekly to school food pantries and other youth organizations. Students who attend programming are sent home with recipe cards and the food needed to cook said recipe, but accessing healthy food daily is difficult for many Arkansans. 

According to the Arkansas Center for Health Improvement, in 2019, there were only 1.7 grocery stores or produce vendors per 10,000 people in Arkansas, well below the national average of 2.1 per 10,000 people. Though corner stores and convenience stores may help fill this gap, the food they provide is often prepackaged snack foods and few pantry staples. 

“What we see with the differences between urban and rural food deserts, is that in urban food deserts, there may be access to some kind of food, but it’s not necessarily healthy food or even affordable food,” said ACHI Senior Policy Analyst and Data Privacy Officer, Jennifer Wessel. “Versus in rural areas, it may just be limitations to getting to food in general.” 

Though Arkansas is home to higher than the national average food insecurity, organizations and teaching farms like Apple Seeds NWA are working to end this epidemic and empower a generation to have access to the food needed to make healthy choices.

The post <strong>Farming Fights Food Insecurity: Local nonprofit combats the NWA hunger crisis</strong> appeared first on Hill Magazine.

Before I go to the gym I shake the pre-workout that tastes as artificial as candy because TikTok told me to. I scroll endlessly on Pinterest looking for a workout that targets everything I think needs to change about myself. In my mind, I remember the influencer who told me to do pilates for lean muscles. Then I remember the one who created a more feminine workout, so I don’t get super bulky. I never know who is right and what I should do. On my way to work out, I sort through my playlist and add rap music, because that is what the fitness influencers tell me I’m supposed to be working out to.  

I anxiously look around to see which machine is open. If it isn’t the treadmill, I don’t know what to do since my plan is ruined. The weight rack is full of powerlifting men and the other options are machines I don’t know how to use – maybe it is the fear of embarrassment or maybe it is ignorance.

After I leave, I wonder if my workout did anything. I do it all again and the stress never fails. The cyclical pattern proves to be more unhealthy for me than anything.  

Going to the gym is intimidating. What used to be a place full of inspiration is now full of competition and insecurities. I’m not sure I can pinpoint where the uncomfortable atmosphere begins. Whether it is the protein powder or fluorescent lights, something about it makes working out feel like a chore rather than a healthy habit. 

According to a survey conducted by My Protein, about 90 percent of people are concerned about how others perceive them at the gym.

A big part of this anxiety comes from perception as well as the comparison we have all fallen victim to on social media. Although it has become one of the most mainstream forms of communication and entertainment, social media can be toxic. The toxicity doesn’t end when it comes to fitness trends and the culture surrounding working out- something that should be encouraging.

TikToks and Instagram posts contradict each other so often we don’t know what to believe. What one licensed doctor says is a healthy diet, another might say is not entirely nutritious. We are told to drink green powder every morning in addition to running on a treadmill. On the other hand, we are told to cut out gluten and dairy and stick to pilates. If “health is wealth,” why is it so difficult to get a clear message on what is truly good for the body?  

Gym culture has made fitness about everything except getting fit. It is more about what you eat, what you wear and how you look. You have to wear matching workout sets, in-style shoes, and look “put together” just to get your heart rate up. If I don’t have a color-coordinated trendy outfit, I feel as though my workout isn’t as effective, but that shouldn’t matter at all.

It can be intimidating if you don’t know what to do, and more often than not we don’t even try something new for fear of judgment. I constantly feel as though I need to look over my shoulder to make sure no one is looking at me and making fun of how much I am struggling. 

Nobody should be intimidated by fitness. It is personal even though various factors, such as social media and gym culture in general, have created a false sense of community. In reality, the “community” is an exclusive club that only six-packs and powerlifting can offer you entry to.  

Ever since high school, I have felt the same way about going to the gym, it’s always seemed like more of a contest of who looks the best or who is doing the most. In college I knew that it was time for me to figure out what I want out of a fitness experience. I decided to take matters into my own hands and take workout classes. It was then that I was able to gain more confidence in the workout realm. I found somewhere where I felt that the workout was more about me than somebody else. I was able to pick what I loved in a fitness routine and become more in touch with my physical health and in turn got to prioritize mental health.  

Now I bring a full water bottle because my body told me to. I let the instructor decide the workout for the day and let my mind relax without thinking of what I need to change about myself. On my way to workout, I listen to whatever I want and know that my spin class could be Taylor Swift themed or my HIIT (high intensity interval training) workout playlist could be country music because people can listen to whatever they want when they workout. 

It is all about what makes you happy because that is where the results come in. Fitness is more than just being fit, however it’s not about how you look or come off. It is about how your body feels, what gives you energy, who inspires you to keep going, why you’re doing it, how you fuel your body and making sure you don’t lose yourself in the idea of being perfect. 

The post What’s the deal with fitness? appeared first on Hill Magazine.

Like many who stow away confessions, secrets and poems in the notes app, University of Arkansas sophomore Harper Haynes’ writing became her escape. But unlike many who keep their notes for their own eyes, in eighth grade, Haynes began to share her work online. 

After the loss of her grandparents, she turned to social media as a way of coping with grief. Now, nearly five years later, she has accumulated over 26 thousand followers between her Tumblr and Instagram accounts, inspiring many through her words. 

Growing up in Maumelle, Arkansas, the queer poet and multimedia storyteller was always encouraged by her family to embrace her creativity. Her days, often spent in classrooms, were full of writing countless songs and stories along with the help of her friends. But with the new grief she dealt with following the death of her grandparents who once lived down the street, her writing became an extension of her childlike ways.

“It was definitely a way of release and processing this big tragedy,” she said. “I lost a lot of my family support group connections and leaned on writing.” 

Feeling somewhat of an outsider at school in a small town, she found refuge online through her Tumblr account Oozins, especially in the app’s music community. For nearly eight years, she sang in choir, immersing herself in a world of music lovers and even created a Taylor Swift fan page in her youth. 

Today, music still plays a large inspiration in Haynes’ writing. Usually struck by a lyric in a rock or folk song, her poems touch on themes of reminiscent summers, girlhood and growing up feeling isolated in the South, she said.

Her musically eclectic poetry is also extended in the form of multimedia collages. Usually paired with her writing, she creates visuals both by hand and digitally to further convey the ideas and emotions portrayed in her words. 

“My process has gotten pretty methodical at this point. I’ve got this huge archive of all my clippings going back to eighth grade, so I know which era I’m cutting stuff out of,” she said.

The collages she shares online have also played a role in her large following and have given her opportunities to work with small musicians such as Hana Bryanne, for which she created the cover art to her single “Holy Ground”.

One thing to note about Haynes following is that they are very loyal. Some have even followed her since she first began back in 2017 on Tumblr and continue to follow her on her Instagram account Ophanims she created in 2019. 

Her demographic largely consists of women and queer folk, who share similar experiences implemented in her writing. When she first started on Tumblr, she said it was the first place she was ever able to interact with LGBTQ-aligned people, coming from a small, largely conservative town. 

Not only do these platforms provide connection, but also inspiration. She is often highly credited for themes portrayed in her followers’ writing. Also, small artists and musicians, such as the up-and-coming indie singer-songwriter Searows, follow her account and are inspired by her artistry. 

While Haynes tends to not look at her following and care about the numbers, her accumulation of supporters blows her mind, she says. 

“I don’t go through my following enough. I’m not used to the influencer routine, so I don’t do it at all. I just treat it like an archive basically,” Haynes said. 

For Haynes, her account is just another way of self expression and creation, rather than a place of inspiration for others. Much of her online work comes from her intimate journals, filled to the brim with poems, magazine scrap collages, green smeared paint, and old family photos.

In the last year, Haynes had to re-acquaintance herself with grief after the passing of her mother. She said for a period of time after her death she was unable to create and powered through school as a means to keep herself going.

“Time doesn’t feel real in comparison to that. But I didn’t write at all. I couldn’t write at all. I was just stuck and now it’s been the wave of stuff I kept blocked up. I’m definitely a person who keeps things bottled up so poetry is my number one outlet,” she said.

Haynes poetry is a form of therapy and healing. From her experiences with loss, comes the reason she writes. 

“My work is about relief and expression. I feel incomplete and unmoored if I haven’t made art about something, and it just centers me so much in that way,” the artist notes.

To Haynes, her creations are like a time capsule, tracing back the loss of friends, family, romantic partners and other past memories. 

After inheriting photo albums and sentimental pieces of her mom, she was left with few stories attached to them which inspired her to leave her legacy in writing for those that proceed her she said. 

“It’s a magpie collection of my brain. It’s like all my favorite shiny objects. It’s definitely got an aspect of scrapbooking now. After my mom’s passing I got way more into making it more like an archive, so my kids can some day look back and know what I was like when I was her age,” Haynes said. 

While the writer does share a large portion of her life with her online audience, she said there are some personal pieces of work in her journal she has chosen to keep for herself. Though it should be noted, she is appreciative of her platform and ability to positively affect her viewers through shared experiences.

With this in mind, Haynes said there may be a place for them to be read in the future. She is currently working on getting a collection of her poems and art published and sold in bookstores in Fayetteville. It will be a compilation of mostly new, though some old, pieces of her writing and collages. The poet said some of her more vulnerable works may grace the pages giving them a more proper and formal home, rather than her Tumblr and Instagram. 

“Sometimes things aren’t for the internet, but are for a book,” she concluded. 

The post <strong>Writing Through Music and Grief: How Arkansas Poet Harper Haynes Uses Social Media As a Creative Escape</strong> appeared first on Hill Magazine.

As she finishes teaching a full class, The Diva Dive owner Sally Corbin, 42, walks around the studio in her 6-inch pole dancing heels. Between the clicks of her shoes on the hardwood floors, she and her students laugh and chat as they prepare the floor for the next class.

The walls of The Diva Dive, a pole and aerial silk fitness center off College Avenue, are hot-pink and sparkly, painted by one of the studio’s loyal students. Lining them are pieces of decor holding many stories and memories, such as the unicorn head made out of Corbin’s first pair of pole heels and the studio’s very first sign that was mounted outside of their old location.  

The overall aura of the studio may be familiar to those who have taken dance classes prior, but it’s the community and comradery aspect, both within and inside the walls, that set the gym apart from others.

“It’s a very supportive environment,” said The Diva Dives’ student Mary O’Neil, 33.

She, alongside student Inger Bakaric, 54, sat on the pink couch in the entrance of the studio after their class. The two of them, both good friends, bounce thoughts off of each other as they talk about their love for pole fitness. 

“It’s empowering. It really changed my life,” Bakaric said. “It’s a whole body makeover, mentally and physically. I have such wonderful friends from it and I’m stronger and more confident all the way around.”

Despite the stigma surrounding pole dancing, the environment created in the space is friendly, respectful, empowering and strong as well as sexy. 

One of the beauties of the Diva Dive is that they are advocates for women embracing their beauty and sexuality. Corbin and instructor Sydney Wingo, 21, who is a University of Arkansas junior, both agree that they wouldn’t want to change that side of the art.

“I don’t necessarily know that I would change the fact that it is seen as sexy. I just think that it’s not a bad thing to be sexy or not a bad thing for women to want to feel sexy, and it shouldn’t be demonized,” Wingo said.

For Corbin, the payoff comes from watching her students enjoying themselves in the mirrors lining the studio’s walls. She jokes that she often tells her students to use them to admire their movements and beauty because they were expensive, but the real truth is that they provide dancers with a visual that allows them to grow in technique as well as confidence.

“I don’t know what the world does to women before they get to our door, but it’s our job to fix it. I have so many students that I’ve seen come through the door and can barely look at themselves in the mirror, because they are believing the lies the world has told them,” she said.

 “And I love it when I see that unconfident girl and see her look in the mirror and she has appreciation for herself and she realizes how beautiful, sexy and capable she is. That is the moment for me when I’m like ‘My job here is done’,” Corbin adds.

While pole fitness does wonders for one’s confidence and mentality, it is also a great form of exercise. Similar to ballet or other forms of dance, it may appear to be easy by the output of professionals, but pole dancing is very physically demanding of the upper body and core. Which is why, no matter your dance background, The Diva Dive starts you in beginner level classes.

O’Neil, an intermediate level student, and Bakaric, an advanced level student, agree they are in the best shape of their life. This may come as a shock after learning Bakaric previously competed in triathlons, but it goes to show the hard-working testament and the strength needed for pole dancing. 

Wingo, who had dance experience prior to taking and teaching pole classes, felt the same challenge and determination after taking her first class at The Diva Dive

“I was tired and I was sore, but I felt so good just watching myself either in the mirror or taking videos and looking back on them. I felt so good, that I think that’s when I was like ‘Okay, this is something I love’,” She said.

Although the pole and aerial fitness gym has done so much good within the Fayetteville community, it hasn’t been without hardships and outside discrimination. 

Back in 2013, when The Diva Dive opened, being the first of its kind in Northwest Arkansas, the studio was met with snide comments and remarks by conservative-minded citizens. 

“When I started pole dancing in 2010 or 2011, you didn’t talk about it because people had this whole negative connotation about it here in this part of the country,” Corbin said honestly.

Corbin has also been an advocate for the sport on social media, getting into battles with Facebook and Instagram for shadowbanning pole dance content and ads across the platform. In 2019, a letter she wrote to Instagram gained national recognition after being reposted by United Pole Artists to their large audience.

Although, in recent years the overall idea of pole dancing has gained acceptance, not only in the media but in Fayetteville, its stigma can still be felt.

As a U of A student, Wingo said she is very selective when it comes to the people she talks with about her job. 

“If you’re with people that you know are going to think it’s cool, then you have no shame whatsoever. If you are in a crowd of people you know are going to look at you and think bad things about you and maybe your character, you don’t bring it up,” she said.

The studio has also faced unfortunate scenarios with ill-intentioned men, resulting in the studio becoming a female only establishment, but Corbin and Wingo said it’s worth noting the talent and impact male pole dancers have in the craft.

Above all, the pole studios main goal is to create a safe space for their students. One that’s directed away from stigma and judgment. 

“None of us are in here doing this for someone else. We’re after our own goals and achieving something for ourselves,” Corbin said.

For those interested in taking classes at The Diva Dive, they offer a multitude of pole, aerial, pilates and dance classes open to all ages. There are also Intro to Beginner Pole classes everyday of the week for those who are interested in trying it out. 

The instructors encourage coming in with a beginner mindset and only ask that their work is taken seriously. 

“I love watching people realize their limitless potential. That’s what it’s all about,” Corbin said.

The post <strong>The Diva Dive on How Pole Fitness is Creating Self-Confidence in Fayetteville</strong> appeared first on Hill Magazine.

By: Emma Dannenfelser

We’ve all seen it. The girl walking down the street in her brightly colored athleisure. Her headphones are in and probably blaring a podcast or a playlist full of high-energy songs. While this might simply appear to be a person exercising or just getting some fresh air, it’s not just an ordinary walk—this is a hot girl walk. 

The viral TikTok trend “Hot Girl Walks” has made its way to Northwest Arkansas with the help of Katarina Derrick, a U of A graduate and former Razorback gymnast.  Not only is this trend inspiring women to prioritize their health and build confidence, but it is also creating a community for women in every walk of life. 

Hot Girl Walks may be a peculiar idea to some, yet they have become a daily ritual for many women across the globe ever since a TikTok made by creator Mia Lind blew up in January 2021. In the TikTok, Lind describes the rules and conditions that turn an average walk into a Hot Girl Walk, which consist of some basics like the walk being outside and around four miles long.

However, the most vital part of a Hot Girl Walk is found within the psyche, allowing only thoughts about your goals, what you’re grateful for and how hot you are. Any form of “relationship drama” is also explicitly banned from being in your head for the duration of a Hot Girl Walk, according to Lind’s initial TikTok.

After graduating in 2022, she found herself lacking a solid community after most of her college friends moved to different states, a scenario that is common after college for many. Derrick decided that she wanted to act by creating a group where women can go to find a community and support system.

“I just wanted to get girls together. Maybe it’s girls who are just coming to college or girls who just left college like me,” Derrick said. “You know sometimes your schedule just doesn’t line up with your friends, so I was hoping have a set time that they could put on the calendar and just know that’s what they’re doing that evening.”

From this idea, Derrick created the TikTok account “hotgirlwalknwa”, where she posted her initial video advertising the group’s first-ever organized walk. The TikTok immediately went viral, garnering nearly 200,000 views, 20,000 likes and over 800 shares.

“Everyone always says ‘I didn’t expect it to blow-up’. And while I was hoping it eventually would, I was not expecting that first one go crazy like that. But I’m super glad it did because it helped to jump start things,” Derrick said.

TikTok videos like Derrick’s had been blowing up throughout the summer in cities like Dallas and Austin, so for many the trend coming to Northwest Arkansas was a long-awaited moment, said U of A graduate Sydney Combs. 

“I’m really glad that we have Hot Girl Walk group locally now, because I’d been seeing them on Tik Tok and I was really hoping someone would start it, but it just wasn’t gonna be me!” Combs said, with a laugh.

The group’s first walk was held on Aug. 10 and began in a parking lot near Dickson Street.  Nearly 60 women of all ages showed up, coming from various cities and walks of life. 

“There was such a diverse group of people that showed up, it wasn’t just college girls from Fayetteville. There was a woman from Bentonville who was married, and people even drove all the way from Fort Smith,” said Loren Davis, a recent U of A graduate and friend of Derrick’s. 

The group followed the Razorback Greenway trails south for around one mile, giving the women plenty of time to mingle with as many of their fellow “Hot Girl Walkers” as possible.

“I think of the Hot Girl Walk kind of like a dating app,” Davis said. “There are so many people in your area that you’re never going to meet, and Hot Girl Walk is kind of the catalyst for matching you with people who want the same things as you. In this case, it’s great because we’re all here collectively to get together and create a community.” 

Since the first walk in August, Derrick has planned and hosted not only two more Hot Girl Walks, but also monthly events such as workout classes at Pure Barre or Nooma Yoga and post-walk happy hours at JJ’s, as well as wine and cheese night’s at JJ’s Live, Derrick said.

Along with the organized walks and events, Derrick has also put together numerous giveaways supporting local businesses like Honeyville, Tanning with Marg and Scarlet Letter seltzers, according to the “hotgirlwalknwa” Instagram account. 

Organizing and planning events for 60 or more women from the internet is undeniably no easy feat. Derrick attributes her past as a Razorback gymnast for her success and ability to handle gaining such a large and public platform virtually overnight.

“From competing at meets and being around that many people I’ve gotten used to hyping other girls up, which I’ve been able to do on the walks and at our events,” Derrick said.

Soon, Derrick aims to plan more events throughout the year, specifically more classes and indoor activities as the region’s weather begins to turn colder. 

Something that many college graduates experience, is the sudden loss of connection. For example, people can move away, get married or go back or go back to school and these changes make finding a new social standard difficult for many recent graduates, Combs said. 

“It’s been challenging to kind of meet everyone where they’re at and even just getting groups together. At this time in our lives everyone is so different and they’re individual ideas of fun are so different or what they want to use their free time for after work,” Combs said.

Derrick and “hotgirlwalknwa” has created an environment and community that makes being active and finding new ways to connect with new friends more accessible to people who may not have had those opportunities or the confidence to try them before, Davis said. 

“Kat is such a badass,” Davis said. “There’s all this stuff that she’s made available to people who may not have normally thought to try these things.

The post “Hot Girl Walking” Through Life appeared first on Hill Magazine.

As Jennette McCurdy speaks at the Distinguished Lectures Committee, the audience is very familiar with her. Simply put, the first time the mostly college-age attendees heard of and watched her on TV was when they were in middle school. But she is no longer the character we knew her as. Not Sam Puckett, the spunky, hard-headed girl she played on iCarly nearly 10 years ago. 

After going on a six year hiatus from acting, fans of McCurdy were reintroduced to her, in a new light and with a new title to her belt: an author. 

After quitting acting, going to college, losing her mother to cancer, recovering from an eating disorder and addiction in therapy and now writing a book, she has a new voice, one that is different from her TV persona.

Interviewed by University of Arkansas professor Jen Veilleux and student Josie Zakrewski, she sits before a full audience of eager listeners at the Fayetteville Town Center on Dec. 5. McCurdy wears a black and green outfit with fabulous, mono-chromatic green loafers she bought on sale at Urban Outfitters, she tells the audience. 

This is what her fans like about her. Just like her fashion choices, McCurdy’s book and life experiences have resonated and are relatable to them. 

The former actor has been on a book tour since August to promote her memoir, “I’m Glad My Mom Died,” which is an honest (and darkly-humorous) retelling of her time as a child actress and the pressures and abuse put on by her mom throughout her career and overall life. The stories of her childhood are told in a first person, present tense narrative giving readers a deeper look inside her memories.   

The book quickly became a New York Times best seller after its release, despite the pushback she got for its title. 

“When the book was first coming out, I did a lot of press with people who hadn’t read the book… but everyone would just comment on the title assuming that I was completely hateful towards my mom,” McCurdy said, “and I’m really just so grateful to anybody who’s read it and sees that was not the intention. This was a really hard-fought, complicated and hard-earned journey that I’ve lived.”

The book, which took inspiration from McCurdy’s one-women musical she wrote and performed in the coming months before COVID-19, was a challenge to dig deeper in her allured choice of profession as a writer. At only 10 years old, she had written a screenplay, but was discouraged by her mom, who McCurdy believes pushed her into acting so she could live vicariously through her. A now 30-year-old McCurdy phrases that the time writing her book played a role in healing her inner child who was told to not pursue writing.

After McCurdy’s mom passed away from breast cancer in 2013, she began therapy which led her down the rabbit hole of her abusive past. She recounts that she was unaware of her mothers harmful habits during the time she was alive and would even sugarcoat her actions to her therapist unknowingly.

“Everything had this really long-winded disclaimer attached to it and that was just what I knew best at the time, and it was what I felt I needed at the time. And now that I see it in retrospect, I really needed my mom up on the pedestal in order to survive for so much of my life,” she said.

When it was first brought up that her mom’s actions were abusive, McCurdy admits to the audience, she quit going to therapy appointments for a whole year before returning. But it was in these sessions that she realized she had a story to tell. 

McCurdy spent six years writing and putting time into her craft, all of which she said she spent the majority of alone. As she reflects back on that time, she expresses her gratitude because it helped her tune into herself and grow as a person, separate from her mother and the public’s perception of her. 

Writing and going to therapy helped her better express her feelings, something she struggled with greatly in her adolescence. With a mom who was in and out of the hospital for 17 years, McCurdy said she and her siblings had to be emotionally sound. This resulted in years of bottled up emotions and baggage she tells listeners. 

Her mother also etched a skewed perception of femininity and womanhood into her at a very young age. Growing up Mormon, it became apparent that being female was the “more unfortunate role,” she said. In auditions and therapy, McCurdy even noticed herself leaning into masculine qualities to be taken more seriously.

“Growing up with my mom’s kind of pressure around women and the shame I felt around that,…it’s been such a healing experience to be connecting so much with so many women. It literally makes me emotional. I feel proud to be a woman, and so grateful to be connecting with women,” McCurdy said, tearing up.

During her book tour, between talk shows and press conferences, the author spoke at multiple colleges like the U of A. 

“It’s so great speaking with people this age. It feels really special,” she said.

McCurdy considered her college years one of the hardest times in her life. With it being after her TV show wrapped and around the time of her mother’s death, she said it was a moment she felt she had a lot to overcome. Like most college age students, she felt lost but also that she was defined by one thing, which was her Nickelodeon persona, Sam. 

In the lecture, she shared how she hated being compared to her iCarly character. Often, fans and friends would tell her how they wished she was more like her, a girl known for speaking her mind and being intimidating herself. McCurdy described herself as someone who deeply struggled with anxiety and was usually quiet in public settings, especially as a child. 

“I played characters that were really confident, characters that some say were cool, but then I would go in public and I was a nervous, anxious, little hunched person,” she said. 

The honesty in “I’m Glad My Mom Died” has undoubtedly given readers more insight into who McCurdy really is and has proved she has “more substance” than just her character. 

Throughout the lecture, she spoke on how her writing process not only gave her a better understanding of herself but gave her a better grasp of dealing with the world. Her life, full of ups and downs, has given her a new outlook through comedy which she implemented in her book. 

“The idea of there being a circus of life happening always at the same time as the most tragic events are happening, that’s definitely my experience. I also feel like life’s too f–king hard if you don’t have a sense of humor about it. Like if there’s not some levity, there are days and sometimes weeks and months and years that will knock you to your fucking knees. Life begs for comedy,” she said.

As times progress, life inevitably ebbs and flows. Lucky for McCurdy, she said she believes she has reached a point of positive change. While she continues to be booked with press tours, she is appreciative for being busy. After much success with her memoir, McCurdy is in the works of her second book which will be a novel, she tells the audience.

While she may not be in acting anymore, it is safe to say her career is just getting started. With her feet planted in writing, it is very likely she will be a name fans, new and old, won’t forget. 

The post “Life Begs For Comedy”: Jennette McCurdy on Her Time in Therapy, Her Mom and Her Best-Selling Book. appeared first on Hill Magazine.

Sexual Health Organization and Outreach (SHOO) is an on-campus registered student organization (RSO) that aims to provide comprehensive sexual education and resources and destigmatize conversation relating to sex/sexual health.

President Grace Smolen, a senior public health major, started the organization in March 2021 to create a space where people could learn about sexual health and to destigmatize STDs.

“I was diagnosed with an STD my sophomore year of college and just felt very confused and lost. I didn’t know what to do,” Smolen said. “I wanted to make a space where people could learn more and realize it’s not the end of the world if you have an STD.”

Rivers Nicholas, a sophomore nursing major, joined SHOO because she liked the community, support, positivity and openness it provided, she said. 

Nicholas believes that by giving students resources, education, and a place to talk, they can make informed, confident decisions about how they choose to handle their sexual wellbeing, she said.

While a conversation about sexual health can be hard or embarrassing to start, it’s important to open yourself up in that way, Nicholas said. 

“With all the worries that students have, their sexual health shouldn’t be one of them,” Nicholas said. “It’s common to hear stories about students who have ended up in uncomfortable sexual situations purely because they didn’t feel like they knew enough to say anything.”

Dania Alami, a junior biology major with a minor in medical humanities and vice president of SHOO, joined because she is passionate about women’s health and the benefits of maintaining sexual health, she said. 

“You deserve to understand your body and how it relates to others,” Alami said. “Having someone that you can ask questions or just chat about sex with is a beautiful thing that holds exponential benefits to both your mental and physical well-being.

College students are among the largest population of people who get STDs in the United States, Smolen said. She believes it’s necessary to set a tone to destigmatize STDs so students with one don’t feel so alone. 

The RSO often hosts events, posts informational content on social media (@uarkshoo), provides contraceptives and makes bills to instill these practices into the core of the U of A campus.

“The amount of misinformation and stigma surrounding one of the natural experiences in life is ridiculous,” Nicholas said. “I love that this organization is doing what it can to change that.”

As the future president of SHOO, Nicholas said she is excited to see more diversity in their involvement and extend resources to members of the community outside of campus. She wants to make sure every person on campus has the chance to get the information and resources they need.

“Nothing feels better than leaving an event or presentation and knowing that almost everyone — if not everyone — in the room will have learned something,” Nicholas said. “An organization that brings real benefit to everyone involved provides so much joy and truly gives me something to look forward to.”

After she graduates, Smolen wants to go into the STD field to study and teach others about sexual health professionally. She is working toward her masters in epidemiology, she said. 

“I’m really passionate about it because of my own experience with an STD,” Smolen said. “It’s so normal and you’re not an outcast if you have one. I think that’s really what I want to get across to people.”

Nicholas said she plans to pursue a career in gynecology and Alami hopes to get accepted into medical school so she can pursue a career in women’s health, she said. 

“If our education system is going to continue to fail the next generations, then I am going to do what I can to make sure that I don’t,” Nicholas said.

It feels good to be a resource that is needed and used among so many different people across campus, Alami said. The executive board of SHOO has seen first-hand how a lack of sexual health can impact a student. 

“I am honored to be able to normalize sexual health and get rid of the “tabooness” that is stigmatized with it,” Alami said. “I am grateful to see the impact that SHOO has on campus and to know that I contributed to the work that SHOO is doing.”

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